When most of you were happily in the land of nod last night (technically this morning) I did the following between the hours of 3:18 a.m. (when I was suddenly wide awake) and 7:00 a.m. (when I finally passed out):
- Took my turn in the many rounds of Word with Friends that I am currently playing. I do not know the exact number of games (although that might be a good time-killer tonight when I wake up) but I do know that I have been denied the inalienable right to start new games because, apparently, I have reached the maximum number allowed. (This begs the question: why do the folks at WWF give a shit how many games I am playing??) Of the games I am still allowed to enjoy, I am solidly winning, and, therefore, also solidly losing, fifty percent.
- Watched, without skipping over the commercials, “never before seen footage” of The Real Housewives of Orange County. Never disappoints.
- Played approximately two dozen rounds of Word Search – each to completion.
- Played half a game of Solitaire. Irritated me.
- Filed my still recovering and cracking fingernails which, in turn, necessitated snipping a few ragged cuticles. I was actually proud of myself for snipping and not ripping despite the hour.
- Contemplated watching “Becoming Chaz” which has been sitting in my DVR queue for months, but just couldn’t go there.
- Used the bathroom three times. Quick tinkles, but an activity nonetheless.
- Stumbled upon two episodes of “I Love Lucy”, neither of which I had seen before. How that is even possible, I do not know.
- Tried to breathe deeply in through my nose, out through my mouth, but wound up using only the nose which, in my estimation, did nothing to bring on relaxation. Rather, it pissed me off that I couldn’t get it together which, in turn, made me anxious.
- Felt my eyes getting heavy (woo hoo!) only to notice that it was time to get the kids up and the lunches made so was forced to stay awake. Really.
At 7:00 a.m. I stumbled into Jessie’s room to get her going for the school program (which she is bitter and resentful about having to attend) that begins at 8:30 a.m. Not surprisingly, she was not interested in getting up so I blew it off and let her roll over and go back to sleep as I headed downstairs to earn my “awesome mom” badge and make Harrison lunch. In an act of rebellion, I made a decidedly unKosher-like sandwich (it included liverwurst, ham, turkey and cheese) for my son-the-lifeguard-at-a-Jewish-camp, crawled back up the stairs and climbed into bed where I, without issue, immediately fell fast asleep for the next three hours.
When I awoke, Jessie was in her Eden: laptop perched in her lap, inane television droning in the background, empty juice boxes strewn as though leftover from a frat party, dressed in nothing but a soft blanket. All of her favorite things at the ready and no school this morning. In her ten-year old mind…it doesn’t get any better than that.
Although my head was still foggy and I was totally discombobulated from my poorly timed sleep, I actually took comfort in her comfort. The fact that she was totally oblivious to the fact that I was a stumbling mess lent some normalcy to our newly defined life and made me feel somehow better. She was aware only of my late slumber and not of the anxiety that both caused and resulted from it… she was just being a regular, self-absorbed, concrete thinking kid. I realize that might sound odd, but anyone who has had a child who is left (or right) of center knows what I mean. It was one of those quick, almost imperceptible moments when the first thing that came to mind with regard to her reaction was not the fact that she has identified as transgender but that she was just a kid, blissfully unaware of the struggles that her mom was facing. And that is the way it should be, but, alas, often is not. So, in a strange way, I am a little bit grateful to the insomniac G-ds who, quite by accident, created a moment of normalcy during an otherwise funky time. Just kind of hoping it they don’t plan on settling in for too long a stay.
p.s. Anyone who wants to start a WWF game with me, my name is (are you ready?): georgieporgiepoo. Added to the ever-growing list of things I have no control over, the folks at WWF will allow you to start a game with me, but not the other way ‘round. Whatever. I am awake at all hours so will promise to take my turn. I do, however, play to win.