Where’ve I Been?

This week I did something that I seldom do: I went underground.  Since last I blogged, it has been a shitty week and I have “opted” to (and by “opted” I mean unable to do otherwise) shut down.  Phone calls were unanswered and text messages, if responded to at all, were done so with as much brevity as possible.  It was just that kind of heartbreaking week.

Without getting into much (read: any) detail, camp was not the success we had all hoped for.  While Jessie did spend a few days experiencing all that they had to offer, it was simply not the right fit for her.  Not surprisingly, this was a blow to her, the family and the camp administrators who (in contrast to the camp earlier in the season) did everything in their power to make things work.  It just didn’t.  And that is okay…but hard to take.

In keeping with my being shutdown I am going to leave it at that.  I appreciate all the well wishes and I know that you were all right there with my in crossing your fingers and toes for a great experience.  I feel like I owe it all to you who have been so lovingly following our story, to let you in on my unexplained silence all week.

With love and appreciation for all the support,


80 thoughts on “Where’ve I Been?

  1. It can be such a struggle sometimes. I hope you will find your way to something that renews you and makes you feel good despite the fact that things didn’t go as you’d hoped. Breathe mama…..

  2. I understand the shutdown thing. Sometimes, when life’s experiences seem to be nothing more than a string of disappointments, even wit and humor won’t help. My therapist would call this “depression”, but I call it my “witless protection program”. I think that I’ve come to know you well enough by now that this will not last for long. In the long run, it is really better to have had a bad experience than to have had no experience at all. xo:)xo

  3. I started following your blog because I read your piece in HuffPo. I was genuinely hoping for a wonderful camp experience. 😦 Hugs to all of you!

  4. Sorry Julie
    Was really pulling for all of you. Your previous blog left the impression that Jessie may have found heaven. A real place to be herself. Hang tough!


  5. Hi – Just realized I could send you a message. Duh! SO sorry to hear about this latest bump in the road. You all deserve a break and I’m sure it will happen soon. Look at your two healthy children and wonderful husband. Give te each a big hug and then open a bottle of wine. xoxoLisa

  6. Julie, Do you remember when I once said that a sure way for one to learn whether she was “identifying transgender” or a “transgender woman (or girl)” is to actually hang out with a transgender group? I could tell you about my “camp” experience at a week-long transgender conference that was less than satisfactory for me (much less). In time, though, I discovered that the experience was what I needed to come to my real self-awareness – more to affirm what I had already thought and felt, really, but it took the bad experience to do it. Now, I am so much more the happier as a result. Still, though, I understand that this sucks for everyone right now, and although it is no “day at the beach”, I hope that you will soon have another of those “close to heaven” days again soon. Please accept my virtual hug for both you and Jessie (Rich and Harrison could probably use one, too) xo.

  7. So sorry to hear. What went wrong at camp? It just doesn’t add up. Having said that I totally understand how shitty it can feel when expectations aren’t met. Yuck. Regardles, your support is still here. Much love. As the expression goes this too shall pass.

  8. I starting reading your blog after stumbling upon your inspiring HuffPost article. I can’t imagine how you could handle your situation with more love, grace and humor. I hope something wonderful happens to offset this disappointment and soon. Thanks for helping move our world toward a better place.

  9. Julie, you are hearing how saddened we who read your blog regularly are about Jessie’s not-so-great transgender camp experience. I know you know that we’re all pulling for you and for Jessie. Just let yourself be. Praying for better, less ambiguous days ahead.

  10. Oh gosh, I’m so sorry this didn’t work out. I was thinking, though, you have probably 3 risk factors just to start: a) Jessie is pretty new in this new identity which has got to mean more struggles, adjustments, internal conflicts; b) she is only 10 (that’s still pretty young and lots of 10yo’s struggle with relationships and fitting in (mine does!) ; and c) a week of overnights away from family can be stressful for all kids–some adapt, some don’t–depends on the kid. I think you can feel proud of the fact that YOU did your best to identify this camp in the hopes it would be the best fit for Jessie, and that you really have had her best interest at heart. I’m glad at least that the camp itself was supportive–it helps take one variable out of the mix. All you can do is try to do the best thing. I know it’s so frustrating and disappointing when it doesn’t work out, but you have been an amazing support for Jessie, and that isn’t gone.

  11. Julie:
    You never know until you know, ya know? Now that you know you’re better for the experience. Even if it feels really crappy right now there is something positive you and Jessie can take away from all this, it might not immediately jump right out at you but in time it’ll present it self. I’m sorry to hear that camp didn’t work out as well as y’all hoped.
    Take time for yourself, recharge and then pick yourself up, dust yourself off, smile and know that you’re not beat. Keep the faith kiddo, keep the faith. Many warm and happy thoughts to you and your family.

    All the best,

  12. I’m very sorry to hear this. Jessie is still probably figuring a lot of things out… and at least she knows she can do so in a family which loves her for who she is… something not all of us had growing up. In the end, your love and support is what matters.

  13. I’m flabbergasted!
    That said, let’s move forward and focus on the new horizon! The safe embrace of school is right around the corner.
    I hope all four of you are able to find peace and happiness and personal calms as soon as you can.
    Do something fantastic to tie up a roller-coaster summer!
    xoxo, amy

  14. Oh Julie…you don’t know me, I’m just a random woman with a gender ambiguous daughter who was touched by your story and follows your blog. My heart is breaking for you and Jessie. Please know I am thinking about you, and pulling for you out here in the “interwebs”…. Big hugs….liz

  15. Found your blog somehow a few months ago. I was really, really, really hoping the Jessie was going to have a wonderful week. Sorry it didn’t turn out as planned. She is lucky to have such a great family who supports her. I have a 3 and 7 year old and hope i would be as supportive as you have been to her if I was in your situation.

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