Try Not to Judge, Would Ya?

Have you ever encountered the “not my kid” parent?  You know the one: perfect child, impeccable parenting, never an embarrassing interaction, moment or, gasp, event?  The one who will rip a kid to shreds over an infraction against their darling?  And then do their level best to smear the kid (and her parents) throughout the community?  I have.

Since the beginning of time (my parenting time, that is) I have adhered to not the “not my kid” paradigm, rather the assumption that it was my kid.  (Okay, in fairness, when Harrison was just a little tiny fella I might not have been quite so ready to take the hit for his behavior, but , rest assured, by the time he had entered early toddlerhood I was a card-carrying member of the “it was my kid” club.)  I have found it to be the more pleasant, diplomatic and appropriate method by which to interact with other parents when kids do what they do: get into it with other kids.

Perhaps my “mom of boys” methodology is showing.  I did spent ten years, after all, being just that.  The rough and tumble so widely experienced and, frankly tolerated was a part of the very core of their being and helped to formulate my particular flavor of parenting.  It has always served me well.

When Georgie[i] was not quite two, I got a call from his preschool informing me of an infraction.  Georgie had bitten Katie.  Ugh.  Seriously?  I absorbed the hit and then did what I considered the appropriate thing: I called Katie’s mom who, at the time, I had only seen in passing during drop off and pick up.  I took a deep breath (and perhaps a swig of wine), found her number in the class list and settled in fully prepared to apologize for the transgression of my toddler.  The conversation went like this:

Me: Hi, this is Julie Ross calling…Georgie’s mother? 

Other Mother: Hi!  How are you?

(Crappy, I thought.  I have to take the hit for my kid’s overactive chompers)

Me: I’m good, thanks.  Um, I am calling because apparently today at school, Georgie bit Katie.

Other Mother: Oh, don’t worry about it…she probably deserved it.

We have been friends ever since.

And that, my friend, is how it should go, what the attitude should be (assuming there is no bodily injury, of course)and how we, as the parents, the adults, should teach our children to treat one another.


I can assure you that I never once sent either of my children out the door with the directive to push, bite, shove, poke or in any way “assault” another child.  But, guess what?  At one time or another, they both did.  I am not proud, but I am a realist.  This.Is.What.Kids.Do.

Why the rant, you ask?  Fair question.  Jess (who admittedly is far beyond the age when biting and pushing are considered even remotely appropriate) got into a scuffle with another girl where Jess was the (physical) aggressor.  She was provoked and she reacted inappropriately by pushing the other girl out-of-the-way, inciting screams and cries from the “victim”.  Her reaction, in turn, resulted in one hysterical, infuriated, screaming parent.  And then it got ugly.

The incident itself was, in actuality, fairly vanilla.  Jess was provoked, made a bad choice and all hell broke loose.  The girl was fine, albeit it angry and startled.  The father, however, chose to escalate and escalate and then escalate a little bit more, going so far as to tell Jess that he was going to call the police and have her arrested on assault charges.  Yes, this happened.

By the time I arrived, the other child was off to the side, giggling with her friends all of whom had congregated, along with some of their parents, to watch the scene that was unfolding.  I, in my best you-want-me-around-in-an-emergency calm, quietly implored dear old Dad to take it down a notch.  This, as you may have guessed, pissed him off further, prompting him to tell me that he “was done with me” (which was fine)…”and where was my husband?” (which wasn’t.)

I walked away, ripped Jess a new one for being the aggressor and (foolishly) thought that was the beginning, the middle and the end of that.  But wait, there’s more.

At the very moment that I was sitting with Jess, both of us eventually in tears, trying to determine what she was thinking, why was she so aggressive and how would she somehow apologize for her role, the other family was doing everything in their power to make sure this incident was not forgotten, seeking in fact, further shaming of my kid.  Ouch.

Fast forward to this morning.   I was getting dressed for the day and had the local news on in the background.  There was a story about a young man from a town I am familiar with who has been accused of beating his girlfriend senseless because she rebuffed his sexual advances.  By all accounts a horrible, disgusting and judge-worthy incident.  This kid allegedly behaved in a gruesome manner and after a moment in which I began to judge I quickly regrouped at which time my heart broke for his parents.  We teach our children to make good choices, do the right thing and to remove themselves from situations which could turn ugly and what do they all do (to varying degrees)…they make bad choices. So, to, do some of their parents.

The news piece reminded me of a story in my neighborhood about ten years ago.  A kid I had known since he was a little boy was newly licensed, “stole” his father’s car, had a few drinks and hit a young woman crossing the street.  I readily admit that I initially judged, until I bumped into a neighbor who said, “there but for the grace of G-d go I” and it shut me right down.  I am 100% sure that his parents were already facing enough pain, fear and horror and certainly did not need others who had not walked in their shoes passing judgment.

I am all about the sisterhood: moms sticking together, parents supporting one another, empathy before judgment, support over disapproval.  My children have at varying times and to varying degrees, behaved in a manner that has embarrassed me.   Truth be told, I’ve let loose on each of them as a result.  But I have never, ever gone after another kid or their parents.  Ever.

We are all doing our best.  We each have battles we are fighting, fears we are facing and pressures we are under.  Be kind, boys and girls.  Have empathy.  Feel for, don’t judge, the parents of the kid on the news.

Put yourself in their shoes…because someday, somehow, somewhere when you least expect it, your kid is going to have a misstep.

[i] Name choice intended

13 thoughts on “Try Not to Judge, Would Ya?

  1. yup. as a parent of two “tween” girls, you provide a deeply important reminder. thank you for your daily dose of wisdom. my hope is that the other parent in this situation let this incident go and focus on something more important. you’ve got this. kids can be so mean and i don’t want anyone being unking to Jessie or to your family. can the school be helpful in insuring no further damage is done? have a good weekend.

    • This did not happen at school and had nothing to do with Jess being transgender. In fact, to the best of my knowledge the other people involved have no idea. Fact: Jess’s school and my community have been phenomenal from day one.

  2. Julie, truer words have truly never been spoken. As a retired teacher, I wish all parents could read this. There are no “perfect” children, just as there are no “perfect” parents. Thank you for articulating this thought so perfectly.

  3. Nice post! I am so glad that Jess’s incident ended the way you made it.I had fear as i read the story that it was going to get complicated. I am so happy that Jess is blending in so well ! You are a great parent! Thanks for the story,Rogina

  4. As the single parent of a child I adopted from foster care at 13. (He’s 20 now) I have endured years of free advice and lectures on how to raise my child. I’ve even been accused of being a bad parent and the source of his behavioral problems.

    Every time I hear someone’s opinion on how to raise, aka discipline, my child I want to scream. I can’t possibly legally or morally surpass anything he endured in foster care. Traditional parenting just doesn’t work with him.

    Know that you’re not alone in the fight. Fake it till you make it never meant so much until I became a parent. Sometimes success is just making it from one day to the next.

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